Growing up, I did all the things a Christian kid was “supposed” to do. I had a lot of head knowledge about God. I knew of who He was, but I didn’t know Him. I questioned my faith. I knew that God was “savior”, but I didn't think I had anything to be saved from. I was self-righteous and began living a double life. I thought that the emptiness I felt inside would go away if I simply kept doing things for the church. I didn’t even know who I claimed to serve. The more I gave into my selfish desires in secret, the further I strayed from God. I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it because I felt shameful. I hit rock bottom when my double life was exposed. Despite this, I stubbornly continued to live this way, thinking I could keep running from God. I thank God for my parents’ faithful prayers and my pastor’s wife entering my life at this time. It was with her I finally was honest, and I truly understood that Jesus did not condemn me, that He wants me to walk in freedom, to go on in life and sin no more. I began here to truly walk with Christ. However, despite this awesome friendship, it isn’t easy being a Christian in college and my faith began to shake. When I joined Chi Alpha, how they walked with Jesus motivated me to seek deeper intimacy with Him. They have taught me practical ways to live a life devoted to Jesus. They encourage me to know God for myself rather than depending on the spirituality of those around me. I realize that what I had been longing for all along was intimacy with God. The more time we spend together, the more I realize that even though I had been running from Him, He never left my side. Understanding now what true surrender is, I no longer feel like I have to perform. My life is no longer an act. I now know what it means to walk in freedom, to be honest with God and the people around me. Most importantly, I know that God listens, responds, and heals. Through this all, I have experienced reconciliation with the One who loved me first. As He reveals Himself to me, my heart grows fonder of who He is, and the roots of my faith grow deeper in Him. I no longer walk in guilt and shame, but in the freedom, He has granted me.
-Mariana, junior